The Wisdom of Dreams
If you’ve been following along with my healing journey, then you know I recently had surgery on my bootie. Yes, that’s right. My bum. My butt. You know, that part of our body that we don’t always like to speak of, touch, or generally have much to do with.
Well, as someone who was disconnected to this part of myself, I have now become quite INTIMATE lemme tell ya (as has Rob, sadly for him haha). And I love this journey for myself (and us).
When we look at the body as a dream, we are able to see the magic in the mystery. The cause in the symptom. The pain in the unseen. I believe that our body’s physical symptoms are like nightmares - the check engine light has come on. Something needs tending. The body reached a point where it can no longer do the work it needs to do without collaboration and emotional tending from us. Nightmares are the same. The body is asking for support — for help. And how we choose to investigate and get curious about this aspect, is up to us. No doctor can do this for us. We must go deep into the shadow to uncover whatever gift lies underneath.
When we see the body in this way, when we work with the dream presented to us, we become alchemists. We become empowered. Why? Well, because we realize that 1. just like our dreams, our body is here to love and support us, not cause us pain. We have a partner that literally is a part of us 2. We realize again, just like dreams that there is an inherent trust in the wisdom that exists within. That when we listen and do the work to heal the root emotional cause, we gain the ability to remove the lens of the victim, the “poor me” feeling. We realize that we are simply being asked to show up for ourselves and that we have the capacity to heal. This is the goal of the symptom.
When I finally (after 8 months) learned that what I was dealing with was a fistula, I was able to begin to understand why all of the emotional turbulence had been occuring prior to this diagnosis. The metaphysical/emotional cause of this is the body’s need to remove old trash from our past. When we don’t, the body can literally create a new portal to release. What the actual holy hell, ammirite? haha. When I realized this and got real with myself, I recognized that all the emotional depths I’d been in made new sense now. Let’s recap that timeframe:
Deep unknown resentments from my past in my 22 year relationship with my husband were surfaced. Things we hadn’t discussed since our first years together, finally raised up to be released. It was hell but we’re on the other side now and tbh we have never been closer or happier together.
A huge fight with my dad occurred when old resentments and grief from my teen years literally erupted on a phone call that ended in an incredble trip to Japan and a release of the past. He has heard everything I’ve ever needed to say and now we can move forward with a mutual understanding of what each other is capable of. And that is ok!
I recognized a pattern of grief and resentment towards female relationships related to my relationship with my own mother. Trauma bonds that I’d made even with best friendships. Some deeply embedded relationships were removed, exposing the raw pain underneath that I was forced to reconcile with. I have begun to move into a space of love for all of those lost. That they were removed for a reason and it wasnt that I was abandoned. That everything happens for me not to me. I wish them all so much love every day.
I conquered a belief and fear that I could not travel outside of the country. I’ve always dealt with intense fear and panic around traveling. The idea of going to Japan felt insane to me. When I just said yes and trusted (of course, dreams were had that showed me I’d be more than fine!) I was able to go and have one of the most profound experiences of my life. I remember bawling at a temple — in awe that I had made it there despite all the old fears that I couldn’t ever make that happen. I wrote a new story.
I responded to my first email from my mom in over 5 years. I recognized a softening. A release of resentment bit by bit and realized I was allowed to tell myself a new story and that I have the choice to talk to her with boundaries or not. No more black cloud of guilt resides over me now.
I saw beauty in death. We lost our beloved kitty of 17 years while in Japan and rather than my old beliefs of desperation loss and finality, I felt a peace for him. I was able to see his passing with a new kind of love and grace that I’ve never felt. I still feel him here because I recognize he didn’t really go anywhere. He lives here in my heart, always.
I came face to face with deep fears of the Western medical system due to what I experienced with my mom when she was hurt as well as some past experiences of my own and shifted my perspective to one of balance. There are good people everywhere and they do exist within this space as well. We need all forms of healing and they can coexist together. This creates the most expansive benefit for our beings.
And more …lemme tell ya.
Why am I sharing all of this with you? Well, because its been such a powerful experience for me. In my past I would have experienced something like this and felt like “HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING TO ME? WHY ME?” I would have raged and fought and tried to control the outcome like a maniac. Did I have my moments of this? F yes I did. BUT, overall, I was able to take this as a practice in gratitude for the wisdom my body was showing me. My dreams and visions secured this belief. I was able to be in all of these emotional storms and feel all the pain and grief and rage and pass through the eye. I can see them all dissipating now.
So back to dreams — the night after I saw my surgeon and was wondering whether or not I should trust him to do the surgery (despite the fact that every cell in my body trusted him the second I walked in the office), I had a dream. In the dream I was in his office, lying on a surgery table, naked but cocooned in an old quilt. I had to get myself off the table and unwrap myself from the quilt. Upon removing it, I walked around the corner to find my surgeon and his nurse spaying a tiny, glittering, magical black kitten. They were so incredibly sweet and gentle. When they finished they handed her to me and asked me to be gentle and protect her.
I woke up and the felt sense was one of absolute trust and peace. This surgery, this mechanical issue I was facing was one of old patterns. The surgery was only part of the process — I was cocooned in a safety blanket of my old patterns. This was my metamorphosis to release them and it was up to me to remove them and expose myself raw and new. The gentle surgery of the tiny magical kitten felt like he was helping to heal my ability to reproduce these old patterns, these old beliefs. And this tiny magical child in me? Well it was now my responsibility to protect her.
This dream left me with a felt sense of knowing. I was making the right choice. I didn’t ruminate on how scary the procedure seemed. I didn’t doubt my surgeon, not once. It wasn’t until I was there the day of surgery that I freaked out a bit but recognized I was surrounded by all those kind nurses I’d seen in my dreams, and I’d be ok. And I was.
So let’s full circle this baby.
Working with our dreams is POWERFUL. It is life changing. It changes you and the way you see the world. Everything becomes magical — just like that kitten. By using symbolic sight, we are able to alchemize seemingly horrible situations into ones of empowerment. During this process, all of the above emotional storms I went through had their own dreams. Their own wisdom that I am still dreaming on and working with and always will — just in new forms and in different layers.
Again, it always must be said that this is a middle path. Just because we can do this and see the world and situations like this doesn’t mean its EASY. It doesn’t mean it’s not painful and there aren’t times of desperation and fear and rage and doubt. No no no no. Its about being able to BE with those feelings. Like stormy waves upon the ocean, they get to be there but underneath, there is a calm. A trust. A deeper knowing that guides. This is the dream realm—the realm of the soul.
When we combine dreamwork with mindfulness, we get dream yoga. We are able to create and hold a large container for all of it. We cultivate practices that allow us to move through the Bardo with trust and even sometimes, grace.
I am so very deeply grateful for my practice, for my dreams, for my Guides. For the richness of my inner life that allows me to see the world through mystical eyes. For my darkness and my light. It is because of my darkness and shadows and pain that I believe I have the strength and will I have today.
I share my stories with you so that you can see how this work comes into play with actual real life. So you can remember just how incredibly human we all are and that no light exists without dark. That we always have a choice in how we respond to life and that when we commit to doing the work and listening to our souls, THINGS CHANGE and our capacity to hold all of it expands.
Believe in your dreams. The sleeping and the waking ones. This is how we rise.
With Love and WILD,
Niki