The Power of the Bardo

I’ve been fascinated and brutalized with the in-between lately. The space between suffering and strength. The power between who we were and who we’re becoming. The space of unknown, of death and of new life. The moment when you decide to reach out to one who you’ve thought you lost, say good-bye to the friend that was, receive a call that a beloved pet isn’t going to make it, sit on the edge of a new space of healing, the excitement of getting to know someone new. The space of transition and liminal experiences.

This space can feel as if the world around us has paused, stood still and everything is moving in slow motion. We don’t know what what’s coming next will look like and we’re doing our best to let go of what is transitioning away.

How will we feel? What will come of this? How will we heal, grow, expand, love through it all. What will this new version of us look like?

The Bardo in Tibetan Dream Yoga is layered - ultimately being the practice of ongoing letting go to find consciousness and understanding in our final transition. The act of releasing breath by breath, in and of itself, it practice for the impermanence that we experience in each moment. Change is inevitable. I love the statement from my teacher, Yongey Mingur Rinpoche’s father when he asks of his son “What will you do in the Bardo”? What will we choose in the in-between? How will we remain conscious in our holding of this unknown space of possibility?

There is an immense need for surrender and trust in this phase, and an awareness of the inevitable change in every single moment. Nothing stays the same. Permanence is impossible. Where things get sticky are when we grasp - Aparigraha as we talk about in yoga. According to Google, “Aparigraha is the last Yama in Patanjali's Eight Limbs of Yoga. It often translates to non-greed and non-attachment. The Yamas are essentially moral guidelines by which to live with regard to our relationship with ourselves, and the world around us.”

Aparigraha is constant work for me. Due to my own past life experiences, grasping for what I could control felt like the only way to exist in this wild world. Clinging to control my health, my friends, my things, specific emotions, you name it. Because we seek find the things we think we can control. But this is an illusion, this is Maya. And when we can see this, we can begin to shift the narrative.

The reality is, we’re always in the Bardo of becoming - in every single moment. We exist with and in the Bardo of change. From the time we are born until the time our physical bodies leave this Earth, we are in the Bardo of life.

So what will we choose to do with it? How will we choose to be?

There is empowerment in surrender. Strength in letting go and choosing a new story.

An example of this for me lately, is this…

For as long as I can remember, I have worn a crown of thorns. From my early arrival as a 3 month early premie inside an incubator to my familial abandonment later in life. A symbol of my suffering in this life. A badge of honor that allowed me to tell my story to gain sympathy, compassion and “holy shit, you experienced all that and you’re still here?" type stuff. It made me feel seen. And there’s nothing like the addictive drug of feeling seen by the outside world when you struggle to see yourself within, lemme tell ya haha.

Lately though, I’ve recognized that the crown has grown heavy. It’s sharp thorns more noticeable. This awareness has made me question whether or not it is necessary any longer. Who would I be if I took it off and put it down? What would life look like if I told myself a new story? What if the chains of my past had actually been unlocked this whole time and all I had to do was remove them myself? What if I was enough, even amidst my healing?

When we choose to move through the Bardo in a new way, it can be terrifying. Who will I be if I reach out to my mom again after 7 years? What if I did just let people go who don’t light me up? What if I allowed my body to heal and move forward with newfound connection to it? What if I did go back into Corporate? What if everything is happening for me and not to me? What if its ok that I don’t know what’s next? What if, what if, what if. These are the questions I’ve been asking. These are the decisions I’ve been making. And I’ve realized, I’ve been fucking scared AF. My nervous system is screaming “NOT SAFE NOT SAFE”. We become attached to what we know - even if what we know makes us miserable. This misery is safe. This is the devil we know and the one we don’t? Holy shit ammirite?

I don’t know what this new version of myself looks like, but I’m so fucking proud of this awareness. This new permission. This semi-surrender.

Patterns can be broken. We are allowed to change our minds. Old stories can become new again. Those we swore off for good, can come back. And the things we once clung to for safety, can be released. We’re allowed to close our eyes and jump onto the ocean of the unknown. Who are we without our attachment to our trauma? To our stories? To the things that make us feel safe?

What would the Bardo of this life look like with wings?

We are allowed to alchemize our pain into something new. The Bardo offers us power in that we are reminded in every breath that we have choice. To let go and begin again. So what will we choose? I for one, can feel a huge shift happening. Is it terrifying? Sure. But is it also beautiful? Absofuckinglutely. Two things can be true.

So I ask of you…what will you do in the Bardo?

Book Recommendation: In Love With the World by Yongey Mingur Rinpoche

Poem by Me:

Identity by NSLJ

Who are you when walls crumble?

Remove the layers of conditioning until you’re stripped naked in your worst nightmare, unprepared in front of a room of people who’ve only ever known the box this culture has created for them?

Are you the teacher?
The healer?
The student?
The wife?
The the tree hugging mystic?
The black sheep daughter?

Who are we if not for a feeling? A projection? An experience of love?

We crave love yet build walls.
We seek to learn but sit on the couch letting Netflix take over.
We desire our brightness, yet repeatedly turn the lights off, hissing into the darkness.
We crave companionship yet compete with ourselves.

We have these beautiful bodies as consorts for life, yet refuse to accept their disgusting and glorious nature.
Pretending that we don’t all get the gift of wrinkles and freckles and barnacles and everything in-between.
Our war stories to show the world how we’ve lived, what we’ve made it through.

This rambling battlecry is to all who’ve managed to get this far.
I salute you!
I high five you!
I say, HELL yes! Look at you!
You’ve survived. I’ve survived.
What the fuck are we doing if not experiencing each other In all our confusion and glory?

What is the goal of being “spiritual” if not to seek connection and peace and love.
Why are we so serious when none of us is getting out of here alive?
Shouldn’t life be fun?
Can’t we laugh in the face of this pretend game we play?
This idea that we know anything other than love?

So, to hell with it.
Let’s burn the past alive.
Spread its ashes into the wind and live to tell the tale.
We’re allowed to heal, dammit.

Jump with me into the raging ocean and as we sink below the waves, let’s talk about how none of us know what the fuck is going on but we’re here for the dance anyway.

And as we settle to the bottom, let the samskaras tattooed upon our skin shimmer and be transformed under full moonlight.
Let’s befriend the unknown monsters of the deep because, fuck it. Why not.
As above, so below.
You and me.
In this dance of sleep and wake.
It’s all just a dream anyway.

Just remember to stay awake.
Notice the messages from dragonflies, and never forget we’re all at home beneath the sea.