On Lost Friends

Transition
Written by Niki Serafina Lúz Jaimes

My heart is a waterfall.
Flowing upon ancient granite, slowly creating new grooves.
The spray from my tears glimmers upon your face.
Your skin, a vampire sparkling in the sun.

Exposed.

To avoid burning, you run. Deeper back into that murky lake where nobody can see you.

Where your skin is diluted by discomfort.

For perhaps, the heat from my light was too much to bear.
Your jealousy a raging fire.
The anger from your blinded eyes, continually directed onto me
and yet, reflected back onto the blackened scars upon your own forehead.
You needed to retreat to the depths of your own tumultuous caverns.
Seeking the welcoming arms of iron-clad trauma bound around bloodied wrists.
A prisoner of your own making.

But those chains were never meant to bind us both.
And your disembodied message was heard loud and clear.

It now rains down along the mountainside — nourishing daffodils and dogwoods,
whose buds long to burst forth in their intricate radiance.
A calling back within to the deepest well of them all.
Returning once again…

to the sun.

____

Sometimes a poem is all that is needed to express what cannot be expressed.

This is my eulogy to lost friends. To the ones who couldn’t continue on with my journey. To the ones who came in for a time, filled and broke my heart. To the ones who helped me remember who I am on a deeper level. Who pushed me towards myself. To the ones who ultimately couldn’t bear my expansion.

And to me, for knowing I contributed to our trials and tribulations. That I am better today because I was worse yesterday. These friends are the ones who held me during my darkest times and got used to me living there. And when the time came for me to head out into the sun, they weren’t ready. And that’s ok.

I honor the friendships I’ve lost. I honor them with my heart, my tears, my rage. And I let it all flow down that waterfall, pooling below into a nourishing deep well of myself. Fillling everything it touches. Allowing all to thrive because I do.

What is lost, comes back in new forms. The community I’ve called into my life are the dogwoods of spring. The sparrows come home to roost. They are the ones ready to be in the sun. No longer self-bound by the past.

I say none of this in judgement. We are all on different paths. And sometimes people come into our lives for a time, for a reason, and we are all a mirror of each other. The particular friend I’ve recently transitioned with was a true and beautiful gift. but if I’m honest, there were some blind spots for me. Perhaps, like my cat who decided to pass while we were in Japan, she is simply offering me the grace of moving forward. No conversations to deliberate. No possibility of moving forward. Just silence. Beautiful, contemplative and admittedly, occasionally, rageful silence. haha.

We hold the big container with these things. We get to be sad, angry, petty, shitty, and joyous. And you’d better believe I’ve felt all the things and still do. My tears still flow and probably always will within this waterfall. The difference I suppose is I am moving towards acceptance. My grief will continue to feed this waterfall. It is a part of me. A part of my heart. A part of my story.

Friendships are the great gift and mystery of life. We tend not to hold them to the same standards we do our romantic or familial relationships. This is a disservice. Our friends can become our family yet they are not bound to us by blood. My wish is that we realize their power. We honor their gifts and their challenges. That we learn how to empower ourselves within friendships to communicate with emotional integrity and compassion so that we know when to stay and when to go. And we are able to honor each other’s hearts in the process. Because not every friend is meant to stay. And sometimes we hold on to long. And sometimes they could stay but we are too afraid to hold that conversation. Either way what is meant to be will. And we must remember our power and choice in it all.

I tell you all of this because I know I’m not alone. We all have friends or struggle to maintain friends because we are afraid of glittering in the sun. We are afraid to show our true darkness. We are afraid that if anyone really SEES us, they’d run back into their own caverns. But this is generally not the case — we want to connect. We want to understand. And when we can share ourselves with another, we all heal. And those that cannot see us, were perhaps never meant to in the first place.

We always have choice. Even when someone leaves our lives. We get to choose to stay in fear and abandonment, or we get to choose to see what is left. Perhaps other relationships were off to the side blossoming while we didn’t notice. When one friend leaves, the door opens to the possibility of the new. And the deepest friend of all calls out in love— our own beautiful hearts.

May we all know true friendship. May we all have those who lift us up.

And may we all know when to gently let the ones who need to go, go, so that new friendships can come in their place.

So may it be for you. So may it be for me. And so may it be for all of us.

With Love and WILD,

Niki